My 600 Pounds of Fear

Recently I found myself absorbed in a program on TLC called “My 600-Pound Life.” It’s about individuals who weigh around 600 pounds and each episode takes the viewer through a year-long journey in the life of one individual who is struggling with obesity, has gastric by-pass surgery, and then loses the weight. I was practically addicted to the show and joked with David Steele about my “fat fetish.”

I wondered, Why am I so drawn to this show?

One day I was watching an episode in which a woman couldn’t leave the basement she was living in because she was too heavy to get up the stairs. Her family had to bring down everything she needed.

Then it clicked and I understood. My fascination with the show stemmed from empathizing and identifying with these people, even though I’ve never had issues around my weight, other than an occasional extra 10 pounds.

I suddenly realized it’s all about fear. I think it’s safe to make a guess that their weight is a manifestation of their fear. Just like two decades ago when I used to drink to deal with my fear. These people eat to deal with their fear.

I actually began to envy them because their challenge was so obvious and visible, whereas, my fear was difficult for me to see, and sometimes even invisible to me.

From that point on, I decided that I needed to shed my 600 pounds of fear.

If I were to state it with as much clarity as possible, I would say that I want to be able to acknowledge and express what I really need and desire without fear.

Instead, my pattern has been avoidance or defensiveness. Sadly, at some point in my childhood, I must have learned that I didn’t have a right to meet my needs, that my needs had no validity, so I learned not to even acknowledge them to myself.

And if I did dare to acknowledge them to myself, I still couldn’t express them to other people. So I became passive-aggressive in avoidance and defensiveness. I’m not proud to say this, and even now I want to defend myself, but this is the challenge I’m trying to meet: Just say what’s authentic and true without trying to defend myself.

So my focus today will be this: Can I acknowledge to myself and express to others what I really want without fear and defensiveness?

Like everything else I have ever manifested, I know that if I set my Intention, soon enough it will come to pass. It’s just a matter of time. I am grateful to the language process of NVC for helping me to see that my needs and wants are valid and that I can acknowledge, express, and meet them authentically.